What Not To Do
by TwiliteTGRgrl
Summary: Need a good laugh? Theres some things you just shouldn't do in the Bleach world. Enjoy socially awkward characters dilemmas! Some applejuice craziness & some seriousness as it's the human world vs. Soul Society! TEEHEE ALL PARINGS ichiruki NEW BYAKUYA
1. Chapter 1

**What Not To Do**

**Chapter One: Don't Forget Byakuya!**

**Disclaimer: No for crying out loud, I DO NOT in any way own Bleach! That is the genius of Tite Kubo-sama! Not me!**

**A/N: Sorry I've been too busy to write much as of late! *hits ma head into wall* I have a long list of new chapters and stories to conjure so I'll get right erm write on it! LOL! That wasn't a lame pun at all geez…*hits head into wall again***

**Sean: NOOO!! Don't damage your beautiful face!**

**Me: OK! ^,^ *grabs Sean's head to slam into wall instead***

**Sean: NOOOO!!! AHH!!**

**Song of the Mo: Dodo Dance and Splaaash Boogie by Shiro Saguis (Hey they really fit!! BTW those are Bleach background songs when something really funny or stoopid happen!)**

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Being of noble birth and blood meant that in times of chaos, disarray and complete panicked disorder, the nobles should be the calm, emotionless voices of reason. Unfortunately for oneof the most well-known of aristocracy and nobility, Byakuya Kuchiki, when the chaos, disarray and complete panicked disorder was a looming invisible silence and there was no one around…he slowly lost his sanity.

It all began earlier that morning when Byakuya strode into his division office and discovered that not a single paper in his usual mountain of stupid papers had been filled out. _Peculiar…Renji normally has at least half of these done by this time…_Feeling ill at ease he slid open the door to the lieutenants office.

There wasn't a readheaded, slouching, lovesick lieutenant to be seen. Usually it was easy to sense his distinctive reitsu from miles away, but it felt to the icy noble that a thick fog was clogging his senses, jamming his awareness of spiritual pressure…something that never happens to the man. _Foreboding…_he thought with calm composure. _Perhaps he is visiting Rukia…or Izuru, Hinamori or one of the other vice captains. Any moment now he'll pop through that door looking fluttered, bowing and apologizing for his tardiness. _Byakuya, not wanting to have to have to wait for anyone, or appeal to be waiting, went back to his desk, attempting to conquer his pile of pesky paperwork. Five minutes later and only two papers out of a billion in, he stopped, anger mounting with each tick of his clock.

_Renji is never this late…I will have to reprimand this as soon as comes. _Then a moment of realization hit the captain like the thick unrestrained reitsu of a certain orange-haired boy. _At around this time…SHE comes to pester me. But where is she? The demon with pink hair and a child's face? _As poised as usual, Byakuya-though he couldn't sense anyone for some reason-kept his eyes slowly searching the room, back and forth, back and forth, one hand secretly on his candy drawer. _Any moment now…she's going to pop out with her infuriating and degrading nickname for me and demand for me to play with her and I will thrust some sweets into her childish face to silence her. _He waited, only, there wasn't a sign of her at all. The only sound Byakuya could hear was the deafening ticking of his clock. _Now this is odd…_But mostly he was concerned that his lieutenant was slacking off somehow. So, after straightening his desk and uniform, Byakuya set off from his seemingly deserted barracks toward the vice captain hangout.

All the while Byakuya saw not a hell butterfly nor heard a cackle of maniacal laughter from Research and Development. Much to his unemotional surprise he found not hair nor hide of anyone in any of the buildings he flash-stepped to. Becoming both increasingly panicked and irritated, he grew restless of hearing the dull, lonesome whine of the wind. Finally unable to take it anymore the flash-stepped to the head general's HQ, wanting to report how slack everyone in the Gotei 13 had gotten, because they were most likely all partying somewhere. Byakuya entered the intimidating structure, this time a bit surprised to see that of all people in the 13 Court Guard Squads, this area he assumed to be the most responsible, yet no one appeared to take his request for an audience with Captain Yamamoto. Getting antsy with anger now, Byuakuya gave up on waiting and charged through the chamber doors with a vengeance. But he remembered his noble etiquette and kept his head bowed as he entered.

"Forgive me sir. But it has come to my attention as well, I'm sure, as your own, that the squads are all-" No one was in there. _Where the hell is everyone?! _Looking around slyly, he waited for someone to pop out and tell him it was all a cruel joke…then he would show his good humor with his blade. But again…no one appeared in the hallowed, lifeless halls, a pin drop could've been a deafening roar to the alarmed and angry man. _If some sort of crisis had arisen…I would have been informed already. Not even to Stealth Force has appeared. _Wearily, and feeling like a helpless child who couldn't keep up with an old cat-like lady, he tried to force his thoughts in a constrained calm. _Perhaps this situation is for the best…I can…finally do as I wish without irksome fools interrupting my precious quiet._

The thought began to blossom blissfully in his mind. _Yes…that sounds rather…fun…? I ran…go into the garden at the estate, tend to it…maybe visit Hisana's grave… _Walking with his head uncharacteristically in the clouds and the very ghostly-est hint of a minuscule smile on his slightly cracking façade. _I never really had time to myself…perhaps I deserve a brief moment or two. _Deciding to make the most of these brief moments without some bumbling idiot always ruining it for him.

Stepping back into his grand home, his serenity didn't last much longer. _Where is Rukia then?! _Worridly and with mounting guilt Byakuya scoured the house with calm frantic power. He had immediately assumed his 'sister/niece' was still safely tucked away in the human world with _him. _(He also hated to admit she was safe around the _boy.) _But then he recalled, she was supposed to return sometime today! _How could I just forget something so important!?_

Just as he hurried to her bedroom, a curious thought entered her mind that made him pause in the hallway. _That door…that secret door I keep sealing to keep out those vile Women's Shinigami Association members. _Byakuya Kuchiki had a feeling. Using kido he broke through the sealed hidden door…and immediately sensed he had also broken through someone else's kido spell. The scene before him was almost enough to make his jaw drop.

Somehow his small and drab little room had been utterly transformed into…an enormous training room complete with a painted sky and dead looking trees. And every single uniformed Soul Reaper in the Gotei 13…was gathered around, for what Byakuya couldn't tell…other than that the entire room was cheering and yelling extremely occupied in whatever it was they were watching, too preoccupied to notice the utterly bewildered and angry man mentally gaping at the crowd _in his house without permission! _Internally he struggled to remain calm and composed.

There was much drunken laughter coming from a corner where Captain Kuraku. Vice Captain's Matsumoto, Izuru, and Hisagi sat and an angry Vice Captain Nanao buzzed around. Kenpatchi and the pink heading Vice Captain Annoying-Pants were learning against a wall grinning and the girl clapping, as they watched something Byakuya couldn't see due to the crowd. _What…are…these people doing here!?_

Finally he pushed his way through the rowdy crowd until he eventually saw the cause of all the crowds in his abode. What he saw angered him more than anything. There clustered around a tiny table teeming with bizarre life sat certain individuals with something in their hands. And the voice that caught his attention and most important of these certain individuals was Rukia…arguing quite unlady-like with _him, _the stupid boy. They were yelling in each other's faces, insults flying like the tick marks and flames hovering furiously around them. _How dare they dishonor the Kuchiki name in front of all the Gotei 13?! And before Head Captain General Yamamoto no less? _The important man sat amongst the rowdy crowd on a royally crafted chair, face expressionless, back straight with commanding authority, hands firmly clasping his cane.

Byakuya stood in a horrified daze as his sister/niece proceeded to yell at the man sitting next to her like a fool, only to have another fool join the twosome in arguing: Renji. _He neglected his duties for what?! Chaos?! All these disciplined shinigami here at some pointless party?! _Byakuya then realized that Rukia, _the boy, _and Renji were not the only ones seated at the table, surrounded by hordes of slacker shinigami, who cheered and shouted random things. The gingerheaded girl that Rukia had often spoke about as a dear friend, Orihime Inoue was laughing nervously and Yachiru was shouting out something that sounded like "knife". The bespectacled Quincy lad, Uryu Ishida, was calmly pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, in his hands was a handful of what looked like hard pieces of paper. A giant curly-haired youth sat opposite the other two, throwing some cubes onto the table.

And suddenly it was all very painfully clear to Byakuya Kuchiki that everyone had become dead silent. The cheers had ceased as soon as the noble strode up to the table, but it seemed two people hadn't quite got the 'shut up' memo. Rukia and Ichigo continued to bicker with the paper crumpled in their hands.

"What is going on here _boy_?" Byakuya flashstepped to the other side of the table, Ichigo jumped, swallowed and slowly turned around.

"Eh …well…" He smiled nervously, scratching the back of his head. "Rukia didn't know what a board game was and…we all decided to come-Chad wanted to play, then Orihime really wanted to play because it sounded fun and Uryu HAD to follow Orhime so we came with Rukia through the Seikaimon to show her how to play it when we bumped into Renji and Rangiku and they got curious so THEY decided to tag along and Rangiku is a chatterbox so SHE passed the word along that we were having a party and dragged her captain and drinking buddies with her and eventually somehow everyone in Soul Society…uh just showed up…"

"Damn we were hopin' you wouldn't find us though Kuchiki." Growled a disappointed sounding man, whose voice could only belong to Captain Shunsui…who was obviously drunk. "You always spoil the parties…" Everyone fidgeted nervously. It was true. It was true that they even had someone but up a blocking spell so that he couldn't sense them…and it was all up in smoke now. The fun was over.

"Please…" Byakuya quietly but eerily calmly began as his reitsu spiked. "Don't stop…on my behalf…"

"Yes continue."Suddenly commanded the old man in charge of all of the shinigami. Yamamoto was…erm…actually curious as to the 'board game' of the human world.

Awkwardly quiet, the group at the table proceeded to look at hard pieces of paper and toss little cubes. Yachiru suddenly jumped up, destroying the thick tension and beads of sweat. "Jiggles!!" She called down to Orihime again. "It's knife! Choose knife!!" Byakuya stared in confusion to the strange comments.

"Ichigo!" Ikkaku called. "It has to be the red guy!" Renji immediately stood up nearly knocking the table over. "It is not!!"

Rukia smirked throwing the cubes and moving a little statue figurine on the board. "That's right. Renji's the girl not guy." Renji turned red, as she continued. "What's her name again?" Ichigo mischievously joined in. "Miss Scarlet."

Renji snagged Ichigo's shirt hoisting him a bit, but Ichigo looked bored. "I'll have you know I wanted to be the guy but everyone already chose pieces!!" Ichigo poked a finger in his ear as if cleaning it out, still indifferent. "Good thing we aren't playing monopoly…you'd get mad being the shoe." Renji, having no idea what the twerp was talking about or anyone else but the humans anyways, felt a vein pop out.

"Ichigo. It's your turn." Rukia reminded him blithely. He pushed away from an enraged and confused Renji, sat back down and threw the cube. "Damn. Two spaces. Uryu your turn." He handed off the cubes as he looked over his papers, the crowd on the edge of their seats.

"I think I know…" His glasses gleamed. "…the answer."

"What already??" Ichigo blinked surprised. Meanwhile no one noticed that Byaukuya's spiritual pressure was rising angrily and very much dangerously.

"Quincy! Make a guess I'm betting you'll be right!" Strangely enough it was Mayuri who shouted shrilly. "My calculations are never wrong."

"Fine." Uryu almost grinned. He looked up from his paper pieces confidently and dramatically, almost hearing his own dramatic background music. "I will guess."

Everyone scooted closer, extremely anxious. Yachiru jumped up and down. "Knife knife knifffeeee!!!!"

Suddenly Uryu stood slamming his hand noticeably on the table, eyes flashing behind glowing lenses, hair twirling in slow mo action. "It's Reverend Green, library, lead pipe!" He looked in a small envelope confident. Only to blink in disbelief. "No…way…"

The crowd gasped and Mayori cussed, dancing like a spoiled brat that didn't get their way. "DAMN! HOW COULD I FAIL!? MY RESEARCH WAS FOR NAUGHT!"

"Pay up now~!" Urahara smirked beneath the brim of his hat's shadow. Yoruichi shook her head.

Byakuya was set to go off any second now.

"Ha!" Ichigo stood as well jamming a gloating finger in the shamed Quincy's face as he hung his head. "You lost!!" Chad sighed. He was Reverend Green.

Yachiru was clapping her hands happily on Kenpatchi's shoulder. "I told you it's the kkniiifffeee!!"

Byakuya was counting down in his lowered head. _10…9…8…_

"Aw Uryu-kun~!" Orhime cried sympathetically. "I'll win for you!" She set her face in a determined cute expression. "Um…I think it's…Ms. White…" Rukia blinked at her character's name, Orihime felt bad so she changed her mind. "Um wait no it's...Colonel Mustard…" Ichigo looked up surprised. Orihime didn't want him disappointed either so she tried again as the crowd grew impatient and called out names. "Um…fine Mrs. Peacock…." She said her own character. But people shouted a different name. "Erm sorry Uryu-kun…Professor Plum…and it's in…" Her stomach growled. "Ehehe! The kitchen and with…" Yachiru screamed her factor again. "a-and the knife!" She looked into the envelope. "Oh no!" She cried out, looked sadly at Uryu. "I'm sorry Uryu-kun! I lost too!" He looked away with a slight blush, crossing his arms. "It's nothing to be sad about. It's just a game."

…_7…6…5…_

The crowd grew rowdier, shouting more guesses. Yamamoto slowly knocked his cane in the ground, getting them quieter. Renji didn't land on a room but Ichigo did on his next turn. "Yes! I'm so going to win now!" The crowd was placing more and more bets and Urahara was growing rich. "Alright! Miss Scarlet! Knife! Kitchen!" He opened the envelope on the table that seemed to house more hard paper. He grinned gloating. "Sorry I had to win Ishida! Ehehe! HUH!?" His smirk evaporated into shock! "DAMMIT! NO WAY!!" Rukia patted his shoulder fake sympathetically. "Oh so sorry Kurosaki. I guess that means it's down to me to win!" "Not so fast!" Renji growled. Chad sweatdropped taking his turn.

"Hrn." The crowd leaned in as he landed on a room. What would he guess?! "…hhrmm…" Yeeasss??!

…_4…3…2…_

He mumbled something that no one could hear, hand on the envelope. "WHAT!? SAY IT LOUDER CHAD!"

_**1!!! **_"ENOUGH!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUUUUSEEEEEEE!!!!!" Byakuya's true exploded angry uncomposed noble form was revealed as his spiritual pressure sounded like thunder, creaking the entire building and shaking the Seireitei. "NNNOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!" People screamed, turning for the door and running for their lives. The captains sighed disappointed for not finding out who the murderer was. "Party pooper." Shunsui sipped sadly on a cup of sake that Nano didn't see him slip by her. "Kuchiki you are no fun at all…loosen up a bit…" Byakuya spun in his direction, bats and darkness swarming, pulling out his zanpakto. " SCATTER!! SENBONZAKURA!!" Yoruichi wrapped cloth around the blade before it could activate. "Calm down Byakuya." "GET OUTTTT!!!" He flashstepped chasing her and actually catching up to her, all as Yamamoto and those still at the table and around it watched in sweating shock and the old man calmly seated... "EVERYONE OUTTT!!!"

The captains skipped out nervously as the crazed man smacking Yoruichi through a wall. Her eyes wide as she flew by their heads. "TAG YOU'RE IT FLASH STEP MASTER!!"

The building was scrammed. Little dust clouds floating were the only reminder that anyone had been there at all…or so insane ByaBya thought. He stood feeling the rage ebb away, panting. "…finally…left…"

"Woah! KUCHKI! LET'S FIGHT!" He forgot Kenpachi….Wide eyed and no longer crazed, Byakuya's boyhood anger had vanished as a jagged zanpakto flew past him. And a pink haired twerp landed on his head. "Let's pwayyy!!!" Instinctively, the panicked Captain reached into his pocket, pulled out some candy and threw it as far as he could out the new hole in his wall. The effect was immediate. The demon grabbed her Ken-chan by the scruff of the neck and gleefully dragged him far FAR away after her treats. "YEA!!! CANDYYY!!! CHARLIE!!!"

"Phew." Byakuya breathed.

"My how the Kuchiki clan has fallen." A gruff voice sighed. _DAMN. I FORGOT ABOUT HIM TOO. O,o_

"H-head Captain General…!" Whimpered Byakuya as he turned to him. Only to see something frightening.

The head captain's chair was hoisted on a huge gatekeepers shoulder and the man was in a strange pose with one hand raised heroically in the air. "ONWARD JIDONBO!" The randomly appearing gatekeeper charged through a wall and Yamamoto raised his cane in triumph and giggling as they sped off into the sunset. "HUZZAH!!"

Those stiillll seated at the table as well as Byakuya had eyes the size of dinner plates, all frozen in a WTHECK trance. "…!!"

They all slowly looked at each other, it was like someone waiting to draw in a wild west showdown. Tumbleweeds could have gone by and it would have been perfect. Eyes darted to one face after another…beads of sweat rolling, gulps of fear…hands twitching with cards left in their hands… Then…Uyru abruptly got up, dashed over to Orhime, threw her like a sack of potatoes over his shoulder and ran like hell threw a new hole he made in the wall, never to be seen again as Orihime cried out in confusion. He called out as the rest watched. "I'LL SAVE YOU ORIHIMEEEE!!!!"

Then Renji and Ichigo looked at each other like deer caught in the headlights, then down at the midget between them. But before either on could snatch her to safety with them a blade separated them. "No wedding bells in the future…" His eyes blackened and they ran off with him chasing behind them. "…FOR YOUUUU!!!!" He sliced at them but they kept running screaming like little girls.

Speaking of which. "Brother!" Rukia called but her brobro was busy disposing of her friends and or lovers. "Oh well…I guess I'll just go make some popcorn." She got up from her spot at the table and calmly dodged blades toward a corner of the room where a concession stand was for no apparent reason. And as the screams of men and wusses rose, sword blasts destroying what remained of the Kuchiki manor on a beautiful winter's day…one man still sat statue-like at the now empty table.

"I won." Chad spoke to no one in particular as a Gesuga Tensho sliced the table in front of him into splinters and demolished the forgotten Clue board game.

"YEAS! PAY UP~!" Urahara's voice echoed from somewhere and Chad sat, blasts of powerful attacks and screams swarming behind him and the sound of popcorn in a microwave.

Chad's face grew darker, eyes revealed and they were leering, mouth curling into a bloodcurling Youichi Hiruma grin, hands coming up to his face as his shoulders began to shake in an oncoming laughter. "I…WON!" His voice rose and he began to cackle all alone on his foldable chair. "BWAHAHAAHHAH! BWAHAHAHAAHAHH!!!" Somewhere Light of Death Note felt that someone was taking his laugh.

"YASUTORA…" He devilishly and hollowly smirked. "…TRAINING ROOM…" He stood, shadows following him as he reached into his pocket. "…CANDLESTICK…" A candle appeared in his hand. He blew it out. And the whole room was suddenly dark. The popcorn was done and beeping. And the fighting still commenced. But Chad…he won.

And Byakuya…needed to call Extreme Home Makeover…because his noble home…was no longer four walls and a roof.

What not to do? Never let Byakuya into your party…he ruins everything…even his own house.

Also…never…let…Chad…drink the fruit punch… O,o

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_**LOL WHAT THE CRAP!!?? Ahahaha Happy early Holloween Yalll!!!!! I have no idea where that story came from it was so stupid there at the end! I hope you liked its freakish-ness!! It started out as just a 'what would happen if Ichigo taught Rukia how to play board games' but felt it would be toooo boring as just that…**_

_**More crackfics of this sort probably to come in this new series…it will have shots of seriousness but also some OOC-ness just because I'm weird like that yo!**_

_**Peace out yall! And yes I described cards as 'hard pieces of paper' and dice as 'cubes' and stuff like that on purpose so it was harder to tell lol! From now on I'ma calling Renji 'Miss Scarlet' lol JK!!!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**What Not To Do:**

_**Chapter 2: Sometimes I love/hate my family…**_

**Disclaimer: **Again…I don't own Bleach, this is just a nonprofit gooberish crack fiction to make people smile. Just for the record. Tite Kubo owns it! That lucky talented man!

**A/N:** Sorry I've been such a loser and haven't been updating! But I keep my promises eventually as you can so obviously see! Also thankies to all the feedback, alerts, etc! Yall make ma day~! Give these kids a cookie and a round of applause! :D (Story Note: Is your family like this?) And BTW you only think you know how this story goes but the beginning is the calm façade of the crack chaos to come!

**Song of the mo: **Think of a song appropriate for an awkward silence. Think of something from Napoleon Dynamite. XD

Also: Old Man Yama = Head Captain General Yamamoto in case you don't know.

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The glass clinked loudly against his nervous utensil-wielding hands, noise deafening to the strangled youth. His brow glistened with sweat, pallor clammy, and his teeth were grit into what he thought was a calm expression. He tried not to pace back and forth in the dining room, but his legs couldn't refrain from constant movement. He was a shark, once he stopped moving he felt he would die. Which was soon to be a true idea.

TWACK! "Calm down SOOO~NNNN!: The utensils went flying from his hands as a 'comforting father back slap' nearly broke his spine. Ichigo Kurosaki sputtered stupidly, quickly bending over to pick up the spoons, knives, forks so his dad wouldn't see his furious embarrassment.

"Aw Dad!" Yuzu's head peeked from around the corner of the kitchen. "Now we have to wash all these! They fell on the floor!" She was clutching a spatula, one hand wiping cake mix on her apron.

Ichigo grumbled with shoulders hunched to the kitchen sink to wash all the utensils he had dropped. _Why was he doing all this? Frankly what was he doing and why was he so damn nervous! _With a sigh he dried his hands and things with a towel and leaned over the sink, clutching its sides, watching as the suds gurgled down the drain and the smell of delicious pastries wafted from the oven. He ignored the arguing between Karin and his obnoxious father Isshin, the fussing Yuzu waving her spatula to hush them up. Nervousness fluttered his heart and he knew it was foolish but this night felt so important to him. Tonight was the night that his whole family and their friends had been secretly planning…for Rukia.

Yuzu came up with the idea. Being as she was the motherly and caring one of the Kurosaki's, Yuzu was the one who turned the idea creatively in her mind. It blossomed when she overheard her brother talking to her adoptive sister Rukia when they had taken a family outing to the park and got ice cream.

"_So you hate strawberries? But like strawberry ice cream? That's so…ironic…" Her bright violet eyes widened as the human world delicacy melted on her tongue._

"_You've known me for how long? And you didn't know that?" Yuzu's brother teased, amber eyes softening._

_Rukia suddenly stopped in her tracks, skirt billowing on a slight gentle breeze. She peered up into his eyes. "How long have we known each other?"_

_Ichigo blinked, then glanced away, running a hand through his spiky orange tresses. "Almost three years now…"_

_Rukia locked eyes, both ensnared in the light held within them, smiling so softly. "It's felt like a lifetime."_

"_Yeah." He turned away, eyes glowing and face flushed. "It has."_

And Yuzu knew that they all just needed to celebrate the day Rukia had entered their lives for good, she was too special to everyone. It was a great idea, one that Ichigo secretly liked but…he kept having a foreboding sense that something was going to go terribly wrong.

Something jarred his thoughts, his phone in his back pocket went off. He had to remember that it had nothing to do with hollows. Caller ID said 'Tatsuki'.

"Hey."

There were loud giggling voices in the background. Seemed like the distraction plan was going smoothly anyways. "Yeah so Rukia is having so much fun here with me and Hime! But we're about to leave the mall are ya about ready?"

"Sure jest need about 10 more minutes." Ichigo switched the ear to rest on his shoulder as he picked up his utensils to set on the already perfectly dressed and decorated table a la Yuzu.

Doorbells ringing and the monotone voice that quipped 'I brought the balloons and a gift.' to Isshin answering it let him know that Ishida was here now. A large, long shadow in the hallway revealed that Chad had arrived as well. Walking into the living room he found Renji, Ganju and Hanataro on a couch asking Karin about how to 'control the moving pictures' on the TV screen.

Everything was going according to the plan. They finished putting up the balloons, streamers, and flowers on the table and they hid just as they heard a knock on the door. Chad stood behind a lamp, wearing its shade, making a mischievous albeit toothless grin. Renji hid behind the couch with Isshin, trying hard not to let the happiness and excitement bubble over just yet. Yuzu and Karin hid under the table and Ichigo answered the door as Uyru hid behind the armchair. Ganju and Hanataro leaned against a side wall in the kitchen so she couldn't see.

Face flushed, smile as rare and dazzling as ever, Ichigo placed his hand on the doorknob, slowly turned it, opened the door annddd…SURPRISEEE!

Everyone leapt out in exhilaration! Only…wrong Kuchiki. The surprisers became the surprised. Standing wide eyed and slack jawed like a buffoon, Ichigo sputtered. "B-Byakuya!"

And there he stood. Magnificent as always, never wearing emotion, only standing there…in human clothes as the wind tossed his perfectly brushed hair…Byakuya Kuchiki had come acallin'. And that was when Ichigo knew this whole planned evening was NOT going to go as planned. His instincts had been right.

Awkwardly, Ichigo turned dumbfounded, finger just pointing incredulously at this unexpected figure on his doorstep…let alone his house on HIS WORLD?

"Are you going to let me in…Ichigo Kurosaki?" Narrowed dark eyes frowned on him.

"EHH!" Ichigo wasn't able to respond in a civil manner.

"Ah!" Isshin came out of seemingly nowhere shoving his useless son out of the way, a broad grin on his face. "So Captain Kuchiki wants a part of this little shindig huhhhh?" There was a waggish implying hint in his tone, as if the great Kuchiki would come out of his way for his little sister.

This seemed to do some sort of damage to the prideful man because he brought a hand up in a semi-cough, eyes cast. "Hm. Well I wanted to look for my subordinate. And I traced him here." He glanced over Isshin's shoulder."Ah yes Renji. You are here. Good. Well. Are you going to let me enter?"

Isshin cackled and shoved the big prude in much to everyone's surprise and Ichigo's horror. "C'mon in Kuchiki boy don't be shyyyyy even if you lied just now to go to your own sister's surprise party because it would be a dishonor to even consider such a thing or being here!" Sweatdrops all around.

Byakuya straightened his collar, mentally cursing the daft fool Kurosaki's for making a fool out of HIM, and just barely had time to observe the surroundings Rukia had to endure whilst staying in the human world with this…stupid boy. _This place is rather small…and there is a weird poster of Isshin's deceased wife…and what is that demonic thing with moving pictures? I've never actually made sure this place was safe for her. Maybe she shouldn't stay here after all._

Ichigo seethed at the judgment he knew passed in that emotionless masked man's mind. _He is probably changing his mind about Rukia staying here with us. He sees how small our house is compared to his nice fancy mansion. And-_

"Hello sir!" Yuzu smiled offering Byakuya tea. "You must be Rukia's brother! She's told us so much about you!" Ichigo sweatdropped. _Like hell she hasn't you polite little twerp._

Taken aback, Byakuya blinked and took the offered tea with an equally polite thanks. _Hmm…not all of the Kurosaki's are obnoxious after all…must've gotten it from her mother…_

There was another knock on the door. Everyone jumped and ran to their places. Ichigo shook the wonder out of his head, took a deep breath and opened the door with the biggest genuine smile in the world. "Rukia…" He beamed. "Surprise~!" Everyone else surrounded her and cheered her until her cute face flushed with happiness and awe. All the people she cared about was right here! Trying to give her gifts, make her smile, laugh! "W-What's this all about you guys!" Her violet eyes glowing was what made all of this worth it.

"It's a surprise party for you Rukia!" Orihime beamed, giving her a party hat.

"Wait so you guys were all in on this?" Rukia blushed. "You all did this just…for me?" Nods and cheers all around. Everything was going great! The strange guest from before faded to the back of everyone's mind.

Party games began immediately. There was karaoke where they even got Chad, Renji, and Ishida to sing a stirring threesome rendition of 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'. Ichigo and his dad had to sing 'Carry On My Wayward Son' (yes I know that's not the real title) and when Byakuya was supposed to sing 'White-winged Dove' he simply punched a hole through the TV screen with his eyes and ended the fun with his awkward silence. Next on the games list was playing Apples to Apples where the best combos came from Rukia and her brother (who didn't understand how to play the game) came up with 'Stingy' and Byakuya's 'Brother' and the next of which was a revenge tactic when Ichigo laughed was Rukia's 'Dying' and Byakuya's 'Strawberry' which needless to say ended another fun activity. The killjoy.

So the sweating cricket-chirping crowd decided to take a break from ensuing- violence- to- come by settling down to sing Happy Birthday and serving cake to a beaming and glowing Rukia. But to Ichigo…nothing could go right…

"Thanks for the Chappy cake everyone!" Rukia crowed happily.

"Yeah! Thanks Itchy~!" All heads turned in absolute horror towards the completely uninvited new speaker.

"Hmm yeah not bad Ichigo Kurosaki…" Affirmed a man with the most sinister face in the world, bells jingling. Both figures wore a gigai in modern clothes. One in a suit the other in a little girls pink dress. "…thanks for inviting us."

"WHATT! KENPACHI! NO I DIDN'T!" Ichigo jumped up wagging a finger, and nearly tipping over the table with his sudden movement. "HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!" By now everyone had noticed that most of the cake was somehow in the wee little hands of Yachiru. Hanataro, whom was sitting next to the menacing Captain, started to…scoot away sllloowwwlyy, sweating profusely.

Yachiru licked her fingers contently before jumping up and down. "Welll…Kenny and I were invited to the Bad$$ Convention here in the real world but we had to take a break and found your door was open~!"

"Bad$$ Convention?" Ishida questioned. "Are you sure this is such a thing?"

"Uh-huh! You betcha Four-eyes!~" Yachiru affirmed with her cutesy grin. Ishida sighed at his nickname.

Ichigo sweatdropped, watching sadly as only one slice of cake remained in her possession. "So basically you got lost."

Yachiru looked affronted as much as a little girl with large eyes and icing all over her face could. "No we didn't! Kenny wouldn't listen to me! We just smelled something yummy is all!" Kenpachi leaned back in his chair, propping his feet up on the table.

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "My ass." Everyone was starting to feel tension of anger mixed with fear coming from the strawberry lad. It was obvious he wasn't too happy with the party crashers eating almost all the cake that was for Rukia. Yuzu once again stepped in with her classy and polite hand.

"Here erm…Yachiru is it?" The twelve year old kindly offered some tea to the new guests, braving the horrific violent aura that hovered around the bigger, scarred up brute. While the pink headed thief was distracted with her beverage, the girl subtly moved the last slice to Rukia with a gentle smile. Isshin gave her a thumbs up with and overflow of sparkling exaggerated tears. "Just look at how clever our daughter is Masaki!" He addressed the poster on the opposite wall.

Ishida, sitting next to him sweatdropped and shoved his glasses further up his nose then continued to glance repeatedly at Orihime further down the table. Rukia smiled down at the cake slice, glancing at everyone around the table with flushed warmth. And as an immature argument ensued about who was being the bigger 'baldy' with Ichigo and Yachiru with Kenpachi cackling and gripping his zanpakto, Byakuya began to grow irritated. In a blink of an eye, Byakuya flashstepped to the demon in pink and her accomplice, and pulled a bar of chocolate from a secret stash he always carried with him and waggled it in front of her with an expressionless mask on his face. Her face lit up immeditately as everyone else rubbed their eyes to try and believe what they were witnessing. _Byakuya Kuchiki offering candy like a creeper?_

"Oh! Give me!" Yachiru cried standing up on the table to try and reach it. But before she could snatch it Byakuya flashstepped to the front door, Yachiru hurdling across the table almost stepping on Rukia's cake slice if she hadn't moved it to safety. And then, without a word, Byakuya tossed the candy right out the doorway and into the sky with a rocket-like woosh.

"C'mon Kenny!" Yachiru cried out for her piggybackee. He appeared just as quietly as a phantom and together, with the pink-head on his shoulders, they flew off into the city, gaining many curious stares from passersby. "WAIIIITTT FOOORRR MEEE CANNNDDYYY~!"

Just as if this had happened all before, which it had, Byakuya cooly closed the door just as a faint cry from Kenpachi could be heard. "WE ARE GOING TO CANDY MOUNTAIN!"

At a loss of what to say anymore, Ichigo sat back down, scratching the back of his head. "Erm…well…that was disturbing."

Rukia tried to salvage her own party which most definitely has been nothing but surprises. "Ahh…cake anyone?" She held out her lone piece. "I'll split it evenly?"

Everyone politely declined. And so they sat there awkwardly watching her eat her cake. Ichigo face-palmed. "This hasn't gone over very well."

Rukia put down her fork. "No!"Everyone fwipped about to listen to her. "This party has been really great!" Her violet eyes shown and her features grew more childish as she protested. "Really it has!" Then she blushed looking down at her lap. "No one…has ever given me a party before." The group's eyes softened, some smiling at her genuine appreciation. Then she raised her fork into the air wearing a big beaming smile. "So thanks everyone for such a great gift! I really have enjoyed it!"

"Well…" Ichigo grinned, rubbing the back of his neck. "There is more…" Karin and Yuzu went around the corner and reemerged with a bunch of gift bags.

"Aw you shouldn't have!" Rukia protested again, face flushed. She forgot her brother was watching what he normally considered 'inappropriate human-like behavior for a Kuchiki'.

"Here's a card from all of us!" Yuzu crowed. It was handmade, handdrawn by every guest attending (except the uninvited) with little Chappy-like cartoons all with everyone's unique style. Chad's a crudely drawn rabbit with almost a fro of curls, arms crossed in Macho style and of course a Hawaiian shirt and his necklace. Orihime's a rather cutesey and ahem busty rabbit with long chestnut hair, Ishida's a serious bespectacled rabbit drawn purposefully next to the previous, and Ichigo's and Renji's rabbits were grouchy sword wielders. The list went on with the cute depictions of Yuzu and Hanataro, the haughty Karin rabbit with one foot on a soccer ball Tatsuki's next to it, and Ganju's grotesquely scribbled headband rabbit. All very cutesy and adorable in their own ways. She opened the card and read a sentimental message written in Orihime's hand.

"_Thanks for all the wonderful memories you have shared with us all Rukia! You are a beautiful person inside and out, ensnaring us all with your amazing ways and changing each and everyone one of our lives for the better! You are a blessing and we are all thankful to have come to know you and have you in our lives!~"_

_Love,_

_Orihime, Tatsuki, Renji, Yuzu, Karin, Isshin, Hanataro, Ganju, Uryu, Chad, and Ichigo_

It was such a heartfelt thing for Rukia, to have someone say that through all the pain and chaos she caused by her appearance oh so long ago…was 'changing their lives for the better'…brought relieved tears to her eyes. "Aw…you guys!" She smiled trying not to cry and hugging the card to her chest.

Byakuya had been looking over her shoulder, reading the card. That's when the mayhem officially kicked off.

"Hmm…why does it say 'Love…Renji, Hanataro, Ganju, Uryu, Chad…and ICHIGO.'" Byakuya asked venomously. "You ALL love Rukia huh?" All names in question gulped sweating profusely.

"N-No Byakuya eheh you got it wrong you see-!" Ichigo began nervously waving his hands in a 'nonono' way. Only to get a randomly conjured Senbonsakura in his face. "Eh…"

"Brother!" Rukia cried out but her big bro was ready to kill. "No that's not what it means it's just a card! Humans do that!"

"Matters not." Byakuya snarled.

"Oh dear!" Orihime clapped her hands to her cheeks. "Why did I have to write that!"

"Yeah why did you?" Uryu shouted as Byakuya took a turn holding his zanpakto to each boy's throats. "I have nothing to do with this! At least just take Renji and Kurosaki please!"

"I agree." Chad grunted in approval.

"She's cute but I don't like her like Renji and Ichigo." Ganju affirmed.

"Don't kill us kill them please! Sorry Ichigo…Renji…" Hanataro gulped.

Both boys shot them all a look of despair. "HEY! Don't say that!"

"But I suspect all of you." Byakuya had no mercy, and went Shinigami on them all.

"AGGHHH!" All the boys even those not involved like Ganju and Hanataro and Chad and Uryu scattered like roaches as the table broke in half. SLICE! Another strike just barely past an almost dancing Ichigo. "C'MON LET US BE WE DIDN'T WRITE THAT!" "DIIIIIEEE." Byakuya seethed. "AHHH!" Never have so many men screamed like little girls. And with good reason. "BANKAI."

"Oh no…" Rukia shook her head, face-palming. "Brother please!" That was when she decided that the only way to win this battle was to…THROW THE REMAINING PIECE OF HER CAKE AT HER BROTHER…THE NOBLE KUCHIKI!

SPLAT! "…" Everything became stock still. Tumbleweeds whispered by on an invisible breeze. Everyone was silent but meanwhile all thinking the same thing…_Oh shit…_

"B-Brother." Rukia whimpered.

Byakuya…slowly brought a hand up to his face…with his finger scooped off a bunch of cake…and…ate it.

Everyone: "!"

"Not bad." Everyone balked. "!"

"That's what…she said?" Chad offered.

Everyone swung their heads to look at him. "…"

FFWAAAMM! Two cutesey happy faces were squished into the window's glass. "We're baackkkk~!" Kenpatchi giggled. "Want some Candy Mountain candy? Someone tried to take my kidney when I got there but I killed them~!"

"It was so much fun~!" Yachiru obviously high on sugar giggled (both were high on sugar kekeke).

"That's what she said." Chad continued to smirk.

"HOLY SH-!" Ichigo gaped at the creepy faces in his window, voice rising to high pitched yowl. "GET THE HELL AWAY!"

"Lollypop Lollypop oh lolly lolly LOLLYPOP~!" They sang in reply.

"That's what she said!" Chad yelled.

"NO IT ISN'T!" Uryu slammed his fist on the table.

"That's what who said?" Hanataro questioned.

"THIS IS SOOO MUUCCHH FUNN!" Isshin randomly jumped up and started to dance with his son.

"I'm awesome." Byakuya smirked, taking ahold of the karaoke set's mic.

"No you're not…dude don't lie." Renji replied.

"THAT'S WHAT SHEEE SAAIDDDDD!" Chad blasted an El Directo at the wall in randomness.

"Who are we talking about?" Hanataro again asked. Ganju was looking around in fear.

"I'm HERE~!" Urahara entered the building. "No one invited me~! Oh!" He saw Byakuya. "But you invited him? Not cool."

"Yeah." Suddenly Old Man Yama was sitting in a chair at the table, tapping his cane on the ground. "Not cool yo."

"WE DIDN'T INVITE HIM!" Ichigo screamed. "I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO RUIN THIS GREAT DAY FOR RUKIA! DAMMMIITTTT!"

"You didn't invite me to my own sisters surprise party." Byakuya pouted. "I hate you."

Then another sword fight ensued where Ichigo went shinigami and clashed with Byakuya.

"LOOK KENNY! I FOUND WALDO!" She paraded on top of everyone's head after breaking through the window and coming up to Uryu.

"THAT'S WHAT SHEEE SAIDDD…" Chad was crying.

"No fair~!" Kenpachi pouted. "I still haven't found Carmen Santiago!"

"I know! Let's go to Santiago and find her~!" Yachiru jumped on his shoulders, pointing into the sunset. "Just follow my intuition and we will be there in no time!" Except that the forgot there was miles of ocean.

"HUZZAH~!" He replied and off they went again.

"Oh fun~!" Urahara was joining Isshin in a dance now that Ichigo was busy.

Only the girls sat completely dumbstruck at the table. Well them and Ganju and Hanataro.

"EEEENNNNNOOOOUUUGGHHH!" (You know what Chad whimpered to this.) Yuzu snarled in a man voice. "EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE!" And with that she proceeded to chuck boys out the window like a beast. "I WILL NEVER ALLOW YOU INTO THIS HOUSE AGAIN!" Her eyes were glowing red, demeanor lashing like a demon.

"But we live here!" Isshin and Ichigo whimpered from outside where she had hurled them.

"Don't come back until you can stop breaking the house! AND RUINING THE PARTY!" Karin even blinked at her twin.

With an angry sigh, Yuzu locked all the doors and sat back examining the terrible destruction in her home. Then she turned her tear- filled gaze back to Rukia wearing the most sympathetic and saddened expression a cute little girl could wear. "I'm so sorry Rukia! This party was supposed to be perfect."

But to her surprise, the older girl merely laughed. "Oh Yuzu don't worry! This party has been the best and only one I've ever had! I loved it! I mean I've never seen everyone so lively! And it was all for me! You guys really outdid yourself!"

"Um Rukia…" Tatsuki shook her head. "I hate to say this but…this isn't a normal surprise party…"

"It isn't?"

"No. No it isn't."

"But…it surprised me constantly."

Tatsuki face-palmed.

"That's what she ssaaaiidd…." Hanataro whimpered, looking glum as his head was tiredly on the table surface.

"Oh _my_ god." Karin groaned.

Ganju looked out the window as Orihime asked 'Where's Chad?'

"He's fighting someone outside. It's hard to tell who's winning." He answered.

Everyone gathered at the window. Tatsuki gasped. "I-Is that? HE'S FIGHTING CHUCK NORRIS?"

"Oh wow. He is. And isn't that?" Orihime breathed.

"Yeah. That's Mr. T." Karin answered her.

"Wow I grew up with him in the hood. He look so young." They all forgot that Old Man Yama was still sitting there with them.

"…"

SMACK! Ichigo's face ended up smashed into the window. His cheek smooshed looking and eyes wide. "I hope you had a great party Rukiaaa…" He winced looking in at her.

Her eyes softened as her brother appeared behind him raising his zanpakto. "Yes. Thank you Ichigo. I really enjoyed it." He blushed then cried out as now Renji angrily joined Byakuya.

"I HATE YOU ICHIGO KUROSAKI!"

"But I lo-" He was looking into violet eyes. Then blushed as everyone stopped what they were doing, even Chuck Norris and Mr. T came over with a bag of chips sharing with Chad, clustering around him waiting for him to say something they knew he was about to say. "Rukia I lo-" Everyone grew mischievous wide grins, Byakuya and Renji waiting for the moment to officially kill him with good reason.

He turned crimson and just spit it out in embarrassment. "I…I LOTHE YOU!" Everyone's eyes went wide and most just sweatdropped and facepalmed.

"Fail." Old Man Yama said wearing so blingin' shades that said BAD BOY.

Rukia also a strawberry red but half in anger as well as embarrassment, growled out a command to her brother and Renji. "GO AHEAD AND KILL HIM!"

That was the day Ichigo Kurosaki had always felt was NOT going to go well, as he had to spend three days on the run in his hometown as people chased him with swords until he surrendered by running back home and collapsing at Rukia's feet, wrapping his arms around her ankles childishly begging forgiveness.

"Is this another surprise party?"

A voice stirred him. "ICHIGOOOO ICHIGOOOOO ICCCHIGGOOOO!"

"WAH! NO MORE I SURRENDER!" He sat bolt upright somehow on the couch. His dad laughed. "What've you been dreaming about son? It's almost time for the party! Help Chad get the place decorated! Rukia will be here any minute now!"

"…" Ichigo blinked. "Ohhh so it had all been a terrible dream?"

Then Chad, Chuck Norris, and Mr. T entered the living room. "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAAAIIIDD~~!"

Then Ichigo fainted in a girlish fashion with a hand raised to his forehead.

FIN~!

* * *

**Why is it that I always end up having Byakuya be a demon, tables get broken, Kenpachi and Yachiru and Old Man Yamamoto (head captain genereal) be crack? I do not know. But I sure had fun writing this~! Hope it made someone smile~ CUS IT DID FOR MEH MWAHAHAH~! Ahh this story didn't turn out like it was supposed to lawl~!**

**REVIEW POR FAVOR~!**


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